


Fractured

by Duckiepray



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-06
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-11-12 23:57:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18020960
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Duckiepray/pseuds/Duckiepray
Summary: Dealing directly with someone who hurt you is pretty much always the best option. But sometimes, you just can't.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> *Greetings. Although this is my first time writing for Archives, I'm no stranger to fanfiction. I have a longstanding account on another site, which I have since abandoned, along with a decade worth of finished works.
> 
> This snippet was inspired by events in an early story of mine.  
> At this time, I am only testing the waters. I am currently working on a full length prequel which is about 2/3 done. If I can figure this site out, I may post it here.
> 
> That's all for now.

Leonardo cringed as he watched his purple-masked brother shudder on the couch, and heard him call out HIS name. It was the third time in a week he'd caught Don in that position, and all he wanted was to flee like before.  
He started to turn with the plan to return to his room, but found himself frozen instead. 'No. I can't keep running from this. I have to deal with it, or it'll never go away. No matter how hard this is, finishing it has to be better.'  
The blue-masked turtle silently descended the steps and hesitantly approached the back of the couch. He wasn't sure about the best way to wake his brother without surprising him.  
"Don?" Leo called tentatively, choosing not to touch him. "Donny, wake up."  
Donatello jerked as if he'd set off a firecracker, chest heaving for air.  
"Don, it's okay," he encouraged softly. "You're all right."  
The manner in which he twisted violently nearly made Donny fall off the couch. That was when Leo seized his shoulder, only to prevent an accidental spill from hurting his knee worse.  
The flash of panic in his brother's eyes lasted only a moment, but it was impossible to miss.  
"It's okay," Leonardo reassured him again. "It's only me."  
The younger turtle settled back against the sofa with a sigh, staring at Leo's hand, which still covered his arm. The blue-masked turtle instantly let go of him with a wince.  
"You startled me," Don told him.  
"I know, but I didn't want you to get hurt. I'm sorry."  
"It's fine." The emotionless quality of Don's voice demonstrated the opposite.   
"I don't know about that," Leo countered, nodding to the couch. "Can I sit down?"  
Donatello shrugged. "I guess."  
The blue-masked turtle lowered to the furniture, but then didn't speak for several seconds. Then--"I don't know about you, Don, but I don't think this is working. You get what I'm saying?"  
"Not really, Leo."  
Leonardo rested his arms in his lap, and couldn't look at his brother when he continued.   
"I need your help, Don. I want to make things right between us. I will never hurt you that way again - I swear. But I don't know how to fix what I did, so...Can you tell me what to do?"  
He stole a glance of Donatello out of the corner of his eye and saw him massage the brace on his knee.   
Without looking up, Donny finally answered, "Do you think it's that simple?"  
"No, I don't expect it to be easy, Donny. But I believe this is the only way for things to go back to halfway normal."  
"Why are you under the impression that I know what to do with this?"  
"It has to be you, Don. You're the one who's suffered, and paid the price for months. You're the one who's still afraid of me."  
Don reluctantly made eye contact. "I'm not afraid of you."  
"But you are. Maybe not consciously, yet you end up in this spot over and over. And you clearly want nothing to do with me."  
"That isn't true. I'm not mad at you, Leo."  
The blue-masked turtle felt like beating the coffee table, but knew it wouldn't help. "We never talk about it, bro. We HAVE to. I can't pretend like this didn't happen."  
"I never asked you to," Donny murmured. "All I've ever wanted was for you to leave this alone."  
"I can't, Donny. I'm not trying to make this all about me, but I don't think either of us will be okay until we deal with it together."  
To that, his younger brother shook his head. "I don't wanna drag it up again. I did this already."  
"WE didn't," Leo insisted. "I am not trying to hurt you worse. But if I could figure this out alone, I think I would have done it by now. I need your help to fix it."  
Donatello slowly rose, stretching to reach the crutches propped against the table with a grunt. "You can't fix this, Leo. I can't either. Even Sensei can't make it right. Please stop putting pressure on me."  
"That isn't what I--"  
"I don't want it," Donny interrupted. "I want to be left alone."  
Leo gained his feet too, and fought to keep his voice even. "Do you want me to leave entirely? Would that make things better?"  
"No! I want you to drop it, like I already told you. Quit pushing me to get a reaction!"  
Leo grimaced at his brother's increase in volume. "I can't forget what I did, Donny. I've tried to leave it alone like you asked, but it doesn't work. It never has. I need your help for this."  
Don held his gaze steadily for the first time in weeks. "I can't help you, Leo. It's not that I don't want to, I just...can't. You've got to figure this out yourself, because I don't have it in me."  
"I'm not trying to make this more difficult on you. I want things to be okay between us, Don!"  
"I can't fix that!" Donny's voice rose a second time. "Look - you crossed a line. I forgave you, but I can't act normal when I don't feel it. I understand you want things to be the way they were. And I believe you would do anything in your power to make it happen. But I can't be the one to tell you how to magically restore it. I'm stressed out as it is, and all your pushing for some resolution won't make it appear."  
"Bro, this how I'm wired," Leo said hoarsely. "I HAVE to deal with it. I don't think I'll be okay until I do."  
"I know you can't help it, Leo. But neither can I. I don't want you out of my life, but I also can't take being forced to slog through it again. If you really care about my peace of mind, then stop this. Learn to live with it, and let me do the same. You need to leave it alone, and wait for things to blow over."  
"What if it doesn't?"  
"You won't know unless you try, Leo. In any case, I'm tired and I need to use the bathroom. I'm gonna go, then I plan to get some more sleep. Okay?"  
The blue-masked turtle had nothing else to say while his brother shuffled away on crutches. Pressing Donatello only confirmed that the cracks in their relationship were far deeper than he was able to repair.  
He gazed bleakly at the front door before turning away, and heading upstairs. Disappearing was Raph's trademark, but right now, Leo wished he could be irresponsible, and make himself disappear.


	2. Repressed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pain doesn't stop just because its repressed. Some say that time heals all wounds, but in essence, it often only makes you forget, or dulls the intensity. But grudges can still hold a powerful grip. Letting go is the only way to actually be free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * I didn't plan on adding this, but it already existed, so...This takes place many years after the fact, when their relationship quirks had already been worked out. Or so Donny thought. Splinter hasn't been around for a while at this point, because he was technically dead. But I wrote a Christmas fic where I bought him back for a temporary visit...kind of like a Christmas Carol.   
> So that's it for now. Still toying with whether or not to post my new work here. Will decide soon.

For a moment the purple-masked turtle stood in the center of the room, and wondered if everything had been a dream after all. As he hesitated there for a few more seconds, the door to the kitchen opened, and Leonardo ambled into the room with teacup in hand. Certainly nothing strange about that.

Donatello sighed softly, shoulders slumping. "Hey, Fearless," he said glumly.

"Hey, Donny. Why so down this morning?"

"Aw, it's nothing, Leo. I guess I just wasn't ready to wake up yet."

"I don't see how anybody can sleep," Leonardo offered impishly, and shot a glance back at the kitchen as the door swung open a second time.

Master Splinter exited with a cup of his own, and nodded a greeting. "Good morning, Donatello. I know you prefer something stronger, but I wonder if you'd like to join your brother and I?"

"Tea only sounds appropriate," Donny said after a beat of silence. "I was afraid I'd dreamed all of it."

Splinter shook his head. "I knew you would find it the hardest to merely accept. Leonardo, would you get another cup for your brother? And then perhaps some katas would be in order."

Donatello grinned. "It's nice to know you haven't changed, Sensei."

They lingered for about ten minutes over the tea, before adjourning to the practice room together. A strange awkwardness came over the purple-masked turtle as he stepped onto the mat with his oldest brother, and he rolled his shoulders a couple of times, as if to throw off the nervous energy. There was no reason to feel uncomfortable just because their Sensei was watching - it certainly wasn't a new experience.

Leonardo gave him a wry smile, as if he'd sensed his nerves off the bat. "Just like old times, little brother," he quipped, in what was probably an attempt to get him to relax.

Donatello nodded, but his glance fell on Splinter, rather than the blue-masked turtle.

"I know it's been awhile, Donatello, but it's still only me," Splinter said with a chuckle. "Now don't hold back, either of you."

"Hai, Sensei," both turtles stated together, before facing each other again.

Between the two most patient brothers, blows didn't usually begin instantly. The first strike was something neither of them were anxious to mete out, and there was a customary pause while one would decide to start. It was a pattern Donatello had gotten used to as far as Leonardo was concerned, so he wasn't prepared for the immediate surge from his oldest brother. Donatello ducked under the blue-masked turtle's sweeping bicep, backpedaling a couple of steps in the process. He blocked Leonardo's next blow instead of just dodging it, and dug his heels into the mat as he made his own attempt on Leonardo.

His brother must have anticipated his reaction, because Donatello found himself accidentally stepping right into a knee thrust. Donny grunted softly as it connected with his plastron, but stayed planted on his feet. The move had been perfectly controlled, the way they'd been trained to hold back their full strength in these kinds of exercises. If Leonardo's true force had been behind the blow, it would have been a very different story. The purple-masked turtle breathed deeply and corrected his posture, steeling himself against what could be coming next.

He was trying hard to treat it like a normal spar, but it didn't feel normal. Donatello resisted the urge to roll his eyes at himself. _C'mon, move your shell, and quit acting like you've never done this before_.

He took the initiative to lunge at Leonardo first this time, leaving the mat with a flying kick. His brother spun to avoid the collision, automatically snatching the right leg that had been vying for him. The action was so instinctive, Leonardo probably hadn't even thought about it. Donatello crashed onto the mat with a small wince, but leaped up almost instantly, only slightly favoring his right leg.

By that time Leonardo had already taken a huge step backwards, with a horrified expression that indicated he was nowhere close to continuing the spar. "Donny, wait a minute! You should get off of that."

"Leo, it's fine - it barely even hurt."

"I'd feel better if we took a couple of minutes at least."

Donatello crossed his arms with a huff, but didn't move from where he was standing. "You don't have to act like it's broken. I'm telling you, it's fine!"

"What's your hurry? It's not going to hurt anything to make sure." Leonardo came toward him purposefully, and tried to guide him back down to the mat.

The purple-masked turtle jerked away from his arm before he could stop himself. "Don't touch it, just leave me ALONE!"

Donatello was startled when Splinter was suddenly at his side, joining the two turtles before the exchange could go any further.

"Sit down - both of you," he said firmly.

"I'm sorry, Sensei," Donny said instantly. "I didn't mean to snap, I'm just...I really am okay."

"Stretch it out for a moment, Donatello," Splinter commanded him.

Donatello held in a sigh, and kept an outwardly stoic expression as his Master fingered his right knee for a few seconds.

"I feel nothing unusual," Splinter said at last. "There is not much pain?"

"No, Master, I really wouldn't lie about it." The onyx eyes gave him a knowing look, and Donatello shrugged. "I might have downplayed it in the past, but that was years ago. I wouldn't do that now."

"Are you quite certain of that, my son?" Splinter's gaze rested on him a couple more seconds, before switching to Leonardo. "It is apparent that the two of you have something you need to talk about."

"What do you mean, Sensei?" Leo asked.

"Leonardo, my son, I have sensed a joy from you that I've never seen in action before, and it lightens my heart a great deal. But underneath that, you still lack peace, and this is part of it."

"Part of what?" Donatello spoke up this time.

"The unresolved matter between you and your brother, Donatello."

Donny's brow furrowed as he stared back at his Master. "We're not getting back into that spar _again_ , are we?"

"That is indeed what I am speaking of."

Donatello rubbed a hand across his forehead to stifle his irritation. "Master, why do we have to keep going through this? It was years ago, it's finished. Why does this have to keep coming up? I've moved on."

"Have you, Donatello? It seems as if you'd moved on, it would not bother you this much to talk about."

Donny opened his mouth, but no sound came out. He shut it instead and allowed his Sensei's words to sink in. "I'm not over it?" he said uncertainly. "I'm _not_ over it," Don realized in shock, and then cast a swift look at Leonardo. "Sensei, I don't understand! Leo and I worked through this already, and I'm not angry with him. How can I not be over it?"

The blue-masked turtle shifted uncomfortably on the mat. "Donny, _I'm_ not even over what I did. I've been intentionally going a little easier on you in sparring these last few years because of it."

A somewhat guilty look crept up on Donatello. "I knew you were, Leo, and I didn't say anything about it. I think it made me feel...safer."

"See? You don't trust me."

"Yes I do, Leo, it isn't like that. I can't control this feeling; I don't even understand why it still has to be an issue!"

"Donatello, you are a peace-maker," Splinter started slowly. "You hate conflict with your brothers, to the point that you'd rather ignore a problem between you, than deal with it at the root. This is exactly what you did in Leonardo's case, choosing not to address your anger at all, to not feel it in favor of finding peace. Though you don't openly feel it, that same anger is still repressed inside of you."

Donatello stared blankly at the floor. "I just wanted everything to be okay with us, Sensei."

"Even though it meant sacrificing your feelings in the process," Splinter added.

"But, Master, I'm not angry. I was never mad at him that way."

"No offense, Donny, but I don't buy that," Leonardo said quietly. "And it does feel like part of you is still upset with me."

"Why, because I don't want you fussing over me, when I'm not even hurt?"

"Because you've never let us talk about it! You want me to put it out my head like it never happened, but you can't even do that."

"I don't know what to say, Leo. I'm not trying to hold onto this."

"In refusing to acknowledge your anger, you have buried it over and over, Donatello," Splinter told him. "You want things to be completely normal between the two of you, but they never will be until you face it. I sensed your underlying tension with Leonardo the moment you stepped onto the mat with him today. I believe it may have been more pronounced because I'm here, and you want so badly to prove that all is well."

Donatello's uncertain gaze fell on Leonardo again. "I've been holding you back, haven't I? You haven't found peace, because I wouldn't deal with this?"

"There are more factors involved than that, Donny, it's not just you."

"But I'm a big part of it," Donatello said softly. "Leo, I'm sorry. I didn't do this on purpose."

"I don't want an apology from you, Don. I want you to get real with me - once and for all."

In the tense state he was in, his Master's paw coming around his shoulder surprised Donatello. "You are in a safe place, my son. Avoiding a 'negative' emotion does not stop it from existing, and burying it repeatedly will only result in a bigger explosion later. In the meantime, it will continue to hinder your relationship with your brother."

"What can I do, Master? How do I even start this?"

"Identifying those emotions that are buried is the first step, and addressing their underlying root is the next. I know this will be difficult, Donatello, but I want you to return to that day."

The purple-masked turtle took a deep breath, unconsciously clutching both fists at his side. "If it's the only way to...I'm just ready to be done with this."

"Relax, my son, and go within yourself to remember it."

Thinking of that spar was one of the least relaxing past-times Donatello could have come up with, but he willfully returned to that scene years ago in his mind. The numb indifference he'd tried to erect over the memory was a barrier he had to force through now, in order to reach the ugliness on the other side. In a flash he remembered the joke Michelangelo had made over breakfast that morning, before both older brothers came to meet them in the practice room.

Something had been different about Leonardo that day; it read sharply in the cold eye contact he'd made with Donatello as he bowed. Donny remembered having a split - second to wonder what could be bothering him that much, before his oldest brother lunged at him. The urge to let go of the vision was so strong, that he ended up bracing one of his fists tightly against his forehead as he made himself hold onto it.

Re-living the long avoided event made it impossible to keep a lid on rising emotion, and an incredibly shaky breath escaped him with the tears he couldn't contain. His Master's scent was quick to surround him before very much time had passed.

"That is enough, Donatello, you can open your eyes."

Donatello shuddered involuntarily as Splinter captured his focus.

"Now tell me what you were feeling, and be specific," his Master instructed.

"I was...I remember feeling shocked, confused...hurt...betrayed."

"What else, Donatello? Tell _him_."

Donny met Leonardo's steady gaze for a couple of seconds, and then looked at Splinter. "Can I get up? I think it would be easier."

"Whatever makes you feel comfortable, my son."

Donatello got to his feet, and paced a few silent steps, before trudging back the way he'd come. He could feel his expression screwing up with the emotion, but there was nothing left to do except release it.

"All I ever wanted was for you to accept me, Leonardo. I always looked up to you - I craved your approval! I didn't have your strengths, so I had to search for other techniques, ways that I could contribute something. But no matter what I did, I came out feeling like it couldn't possibly be enough. Even though you were the big brother, the confident leader, I still dared to believe that one day we could be equals, and I wouldn't have to feel like I was so much less than you. I don't know what I was thinking when I started spending extra time with Mike, as if you'd be proud of me for taking the initiative! I don't know why I thought that he and I putting in the additional workouts would make you like me more, or earn your respect at the very least. I couldn't have pictured that the effort I was putting in to help _him_ would lead to that God-awful spar!

"You came out to crush me, and it worked; I didn't know it was possible to actually hurt that much. Shell, Leo, how could you do that to me? _How?_ We fought back to back, and we always protected each other! I would have done anything for you - how could you turn on me?"

Donatello collapsed on top of the mat, burying his head as a sob wracked his chest. It felt like a huge weight was pinning him to the ground, and he was helpless to move underneath it. When he sensed someone hovering nearby, he expected it to be his Master, but was surprised to feel his brother's tentative arms instead.

"Donny, I'm sorry! You never deserved any of it, I'm sorry I hurt you! I'm sorry I didn't see you! If I could take it back, if there was something I could do to fix it..." Leonardo swallowed through tears of his own. "Please look at me."

The purple-masked turtle rose on his elbows with tremendous effort, and mutely met Leonardo's dark eyes.

"I'm probably the world's worst guy at showing it, but I've always been proud of you, Donatello, even when we were kids. And regardless of the 'roles' that any of us play, I _do_ think of all four of us as equals." Leonardo hesitated as he searched for the right words.

"There was a long period of time when I truly didn't 'get' you Donny; you were the greatest mystery to me out of everyone. I didn't understand the motivation for everything you did, or take your amazing heart into account. I judged you unfairly, I made wrong assumptions, and part of me was flat out intimidated by your brilliance. In my mind, I was the one who was always striving for perfection, and couldn't achieve it. I set out that day to prove some ridiculous point that I was still your superior in some ways, and I allowed myself to completely lose control. I wanted to leave an impact on you, Donny, but I _never_ meant to permanently injure you! I didn't stopped to think about the far-reaching emotional consequences the action would bring about. There isn't an excuse for it, and there's no way for me to make it up to you."

Donatello cocked his head at his brother. "Leo, this 'not thinking' thing - it doesn't work for you."

The blue-masked turtle barely nodded, apparently missing the irony Donatello was trying to convey. "I only hope that someday, I'll be able to get my act together to prove how much you mean to me, Donny, to all of us. We would have been lost many times without you. The thought of you being 'less' than the rest of us would be enough to make me laugh, if all this weren't so serious. It's about the furthest thing from the truth."

"I understand that...now," Donatello clarified. "We really have come a long way in the last few years, Leo...and I never meant to be the one walking around holding a grudge on the inside."

"I don't want to hear another apology from you, Donatello," Leonardo said swiftly. "And I'm absolutely certain I've only hit the tip of the iceberg of the anger you feel for everything. You can't hold it in anymore - you have to realize that releasing those feelings isn't going to destroy us."

"It's going to save you," Splinter said emphatically from his nearby perch, and both turtles turned to look at him. "Any time that an emotion is repressed, it has deep reaching complications, both physical and mental. It is your hurdle to release them, Donatello, and yours' not to be crushed by them, Leonardo. I have full faith in both of you to recover from this, without my further help to mediate it."


End file.
